Saturday, August 14, 2004
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
christmas, my mom, and livestock
typically, the holiday season means receiving baked goods. since my mom is a teacher, christmas has *always* resulted in at least 3 tins of cookies. when i say "always" what i really mean is "in the years preceding 2003, the year i will refer to as the year the potential yet non-existent nut allergies of her over-coddled, raised-by-nannies second graders put an end to it". yes, 2003 marked the year the over-involved, of-course-you-can-go-to-the-$15,000-summer-camp-sweetums soccer moms put their collective feet down and saw to it that no child, regardless of her utter and complete lack of nut allery, have to suffer the ills put upon them by the presence of baked goods in her classroom. (i can say with authority that no child in her entire school system has any such allergy since nut allergy-sufferers have to register with the school nurse. that way, other children can single them out for recess time violence without any confusion.) so in lieu of cookies, my mom got other things like ornaments, flowers, cards, and a flock of chickens. that's right. little johnny's mother, seeing the obvious danger in sending in a nice, normal tin of cookies decided instead to donate to her church in my mother's name. a donation that resulted in one flock of chickens being sent to china with, i can only imagine, a card attached: dear china, what's up? here are some chickens. i hope santa's able to find you all the way on the other side of the globe! your friend, ann's mom we're hoping she'll get the matching herd of cattle in 2004.
typically, the holiday season means receiving baked goods. since my mom is a teacher, christmas has *always* resulted in at least 3 tins of cookies. when i say "always" what i really mean is "in the years preceding 2003, the year i will refer to as the year the potential yet non-existent nut allergies of her over-coddled, raised-by-nannies second graders put an end to it". yes, 2003 marked the year the over-involved, of-course-you-can-go-to-the-$15,000-summer-camp-sweetums soccer moms put their collective feet down and saw to it that no child, regardless of her utter and complete lack of nut allery, have to suffer the ills put upon them by the presence of baked goods in her classroom. (i can say with authority that no child in her entire school system has any such allergy since nut allergy-sufferers have to register with the school nurse. that way, other children can single them out for recess time violence without any confusion.) so in lieu of cookies, my mom got other things like ornaments, flowers, cards, and a flock of chickens. that's right. little johnny's mother, seeing the obvious danger in sending in a nice, normal tin of cookies decided instead to donate to her church in my mother's name. a donation that resulted in one flock of chickens being sent to china with, i can only imagine, a card attached: dear china, what's up? here are some chickens. i hope santa's able to find you all the way on the other side of the globe! your friend, ann's mom we're hoping she'll get the matching herd of cattle in 2004.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Monday, December 08, 2003
Sunday at the gym
1. No one is speaking English. Not even malformed, misconjugated English. None. Unto itself, not all that disturbing... until you consider that the music was not being sung in English, either, despite being Christmas carols.
2. No one is actually in work-out attire. Not to be misinterpreted as "no one was wearing trendy, strappy, cute gym outfits", but rather "while one man 'ran' on the treadmill in penny loafters, his girlfriend busily curled 2lb handweights in a button-down and khakis".
3. Some clearly retarded girl practically tackles me so as to be the First On the Leg Press where she attempts to use the machine with her arms. When she tires of completely, blatantly, and embarassingly misusing the leg press, she moves on to leg extensions.
4. Here, she kicks furiously so that the plates smash up and down. Loudly. No one in their right mind can possibly think that "exercise" should elicit clanging roughly equal to that of a 25 car pile-up. No one.
5. Penny Loafer Boyfriend does situps. His form must have been what Milton Bradley had in mind when they designed "Don't Wake Daddy". Looking back, maybe he was having a seizure and I'm a total jerk for not trying to help.
# posted by ann @ 6:49a
1. No one is speaking English. Not even malformed, misconjugated English. None. Unto itself, not all that disturbing... until you consider that the music was not being sung in English, either, despite being Christmas carols.
2. No one is actually in work-out attire. Not to be misinterpreted as "no one was wearing trendy, strappy, cute gym outfits", but rather "while one man 'ran' on the treadmill in penny loafters, his girlfriend busily curled 2lb handweights in a button-down and khakis".
3. Some clearly retarded girl practically tackles me so as to be the First On the Leg Press where she attempts to use the machine with her arms. When she tires of completely, blatantly, and embarassingly misusing the leg press, she moves on to leg extensions.
4. Here, she kicks furiously so that the plates smash up and down. Loudly. No one in their right mind can possibly think that "exercise" should elicit clanging roughly equal to that of a 25 car pile-up. No one.
5. Penny Loafer Boyfriend does situps. His form must have been what Milton Bradley had in mind when they designed "Don't Wake Daddy". Looking back, maybe he was having a seizure and I'm a total jerk for not trying to help.
# posted by ann @ 6:49a
Thursday, December 04, 2003
orlando 2001
how i earned my #1 Total Asshole title:
g: "huh, so looks like that softball team's staying at our hotel."
a: "ugh, looook at that girl!"
g: "which one? the one with her knee wrapped?"
a: "yeeees! i so totally hate people with fake injuries that wear ace ban--"
girl with "bandaged knee" stands up.
slooooowly.
balancing herself on her chair...
...and reattachs her prosthetic leg.
g: "oh my god..."
a: "i'm definitely going to hell."
g: "yes, absolutely."
# posted by ann @ 10:23a
how i earned my #1 Total Asshole title:
g: "huh, so looks like that softball team's staying at our hotel."
a: "ugh, looook at that girl!"
g: "which one? the one with her knee wrapped?"
a: "yeeees! i so totally hate people with fake injuries that wear ace ban--"
girl with "bandaged knee" stands up.
slooooowly.
balancing herself on her chair...
...and reattachs her prosthetic leg.
g: "oh my god..."
a: "i'm definitely going to hell."
g: "yes, absolutely."
# posted by ann @ 10:23a
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
at least they're not posing as struggling artists
so The Big Show in nyc remains "the producers". [which, in my opinion, is stupid. the movie is infinitely better, stars willy wonka, and is readily available for about 1% of the cost of theatre tkts. but i digress....] and as the holiday season is fast approaching, broadway actors are Doing Their Part and lessening the begging-load assumed by the city's homeless. [well, that or they're collecting money for Some Cause or something. it's so hard to tell.] so after every performance, the actors stay in costume and thrust donation baskets at the gaggles of tourists that clog 44th street for 2hrs proceeding curtain call. most of the panhandling actors seem to be ensemble members. and in "the producers" that means they likely 'starred' in the "springtime for hitler" play-within-the-play. and that means they're likely dressed as wwII era german soldiers. and that must be why we passed those pancake-makeup-wearing men in nazi costumes busily demanding dollars on our way to dinner.
# posted by ann @ 10:47a
so The Big Show in nyc remains "the producers". [which, in my opinion, is stupid. the movie is infinitely better, stars willy wonka, and is readily available for about 1% of the cost of theatre tkts. but i digress....] and as the holiday season is fast approaching, broadway actors are Doing Their Part and lessening the begging-load assumed by the city's homeless. [well, that or they're collecting money for Some Cause or something. it's so hard to tell.] so after every performance, the actors stay in costume and thrust donation baskets at the gaggles of tourists that clog 44th street for 2hrs proceeding curtain call. most of the panhandling actors seem to be ensemble members. and in "the producers" that means they likely 'starred' in the "springtime for hitler" play-within-the-play. and that means they're likely dressed as wwII era german soldiers. and that must be why we passed those pancake-makeup-wearing men in nazi costumes busily demanding dollars on our way to dinner.
# posted by ann @ 10:47a
Monday, November 24, 2003
neither rain nor snow nor dark of night...
me: "sooo, getting a lot of boxes delivered to the office lately, huh?"
kid: "they not my boxes."
me: "the boxes labeled in chinese aren't yours?"
kid: "no."
me: "huh. but you're, like, the only one here that speaks chinese."
kid: "they not my boxes. they probably yours."
me: "they're my boxes?"
kid: "yes."
me: "you're totally importing arms, aren't you?"
he's right. my mom probably just labeled my care package in chinese by accident.
# posted by ann @ 11:24a
me: "sooo, getting a lot of boxes delivered to the office lately, huh?"
kid: "they not my boxes."
me: "the boxes labeled in chinese aren't yours?"
kid: "no."
me: "huh. but you're, like, the only one here that speaks chinese."
kid: "they not my boxes. they probably yours."
me: "they're my boxes?"
kid: "yes."
me: "you're totally importing arms, aren't you?"
he's right. my mom probably just labeled my care package in chinese by accident.
# posted by ann @ 11:24a
snapple cap scrabbler update
apparently the snapple-cap collecting scrabbler finally has enough caps for the ping-pong table. the only problem being that the postage for the caps is twice as much as the list price of the table itself. and, really, that is what makes him the rock star he so obviously is.
# posted by ann @ 11:13a
apparently the snapple-cap collecting scrabbler finally has enough caps for the ping-pong table. the only problem being that the postage for the caps is twice as much as the list price of the table itself. and, really, that is what makes him the rock star he so obviously is.
# posted by ann @ 11:13a
